19:55

i thought about my birthday and i feel deeply uncomfortable. i can't articulate exactly why i don't like my birthday, i think it's something too stressful for me to confront on my own. it's one of the things i'm deeply hesitant to tell people... for some reason. when it gets closer to that date my heart feels like it could stop beating and i just want to reach into my chest and rip it out. or something i dunno. i dunno! i wish time would just magically skip my birthday so i didn't have to be so unhappy about it. it's weird. i want people to ignore it but i also wish my loved ones would wish me well when the day comes. i don't like when my thoughts are so contradictory. maybe it makes sense if i look deeper under the surface, but it's too uncomfortable for me to explore further right now.

20:53

busy busy. today has felt slightly off. i'm here and present but it feels like there are some parts of me that are missing.

whenever i think of peace i think of a small island. it stands in the middle of the ocean with nothing else in sight over the horizon and there's mostly sand. there's some also some grass in the middle and a lone palm tree near one of the edges. there's an island in my system inner world that looks exactly like that, but i've only been there once, maybe twice. the first time i remember going i met one of my headmates. he is one of the very kind ones and he hugged me, but then i had to go because i can't stay long in the inner world. i have only been to a few places within my inner world because i have to concentrate very hard to get in, so i rarely ever find myself there. the place i have been to most is my designated room; it is mostly red and there are a lot of decorations in it. the one i remember most is a white portrait that is placed right across from the bed i always materialize in. i have tried to travel further outside of the room but i can only make it a few steps outside before i'm pulled back into the outside world. there are a few other areas in my inner world that i've traveled to but only once.

21:21

i am quite tired! i got through my consultation fine, the professors were very kind to me. all of us were supposed to have questions prepared for the meeting, so when i came into the room and sat down i told them "well, i guess my first question should be asking how all of you are doing" and they laughed. they gave me a lot of constructive feedback and it helped me out a lot. i made some small talk with them before i left because i felt awkward if i just left without saying anything. i hope i made a good impression on them. i accidentally tossed my notes i took from the meeting in the trash... ahh!! but it's okay, i still remember the general ideas they put forward in the meeting.

even though our individual meetings are 30 minutes long, i actually came to the building we were supposed to meet at early because i was hoping some of my classmates would be there and i could talk to them to loosen myself up for the consultation. luckily i met some and i actually hung out with them before and after i was supposed to go to mine. i went with two other people to pick up some fruit at a food drive on campus and two of us and another person went to get lunch. it was nice. i never really expected myself to get close with anyone in my major. me and another person stayed behind until everyone went through their consultation to give them moral support. i was really tired afterwards though.

i actually helped my cousin out with some of her assignments for her psychology class today. it was.. more tiring! but i'm glad i got all that out of the way. i'm planning to go full-force on starting my homework tomorrow because i desperately need to start on it!!! i'm way too tired tonight, so i guess i'll just relax for the meantime.

12:39

this week has been a little demanding! but after my last class i'm going to relax for the rest of the day. i have to go to an individual consultation with the professors of my major which is... scary! but i'm trying to tell myself that it'll be fine.

there was a mariachi band playing at the dining hall today and their performance moved me to the point i nearly cried. it feels wonderful to hear music that makes your heart swell and makes you want to get up and move around and dance. some students danced with one of the performers for one song and it warmed my heart. there's so much beauty and wonder in the world.

22:32

good evening... today i found out that proton mail has a free plan! i just set mine up and i think i'll leave it as a way to contact me outside of neocities at some point. it's funny because i was considering setting up a whole new gmail account for that purpose, but i'm glad i found out about the free plan.

20:12

i love my cousins so much! i love my friends so much! i miss my dog who is three hours and a video call away but i love him so much! i am so in love with the world right now. embracing this happiness as i sleep tonight before it leaves me tomorrow.

19:57

i've been exhausted all day, don't really know why.

i wonder if it's even worth it to be loved romantically. i am already happy with the love my friends and my cousins give me. but sometimes i daydream about being held by someone, not really kissing or anything, just being held. but then i think about how agonizing it is to be held for more than a minute that it makes me wonder if i have just never been held in a way that makes me feel that i'm loved. is it worth it to fall in love with someone? i have never seen true love for myself so i wonder if it's even possible for someone like me. i have never gotten my fortune told but i imagine the fortune teller would say something like "you won't be loved in that way unless you work through a lot of hardship to attain it, otherwise you will live a lonely life". why should i have to work so hard just to have someone love me? maybe it's more worth it for me to just fully accept that seeking romantic love isn't worth it in the end. i don't even want to get married. i would hate to feel obligated to dedicate a good deal of my life to one person. but i guess i have to be open to the fact that it might happen one day. i dunno. i think i am too hard to love like that. my soul is just too ugly. i wonder what i did in a previous life to be so lonely in this one. maybe i deserve it. i wonder if i will be happy in my next life. maybe i won't even be human and i'll end up as an animal or even grass to be trampled over.

16:40

exhausting week! my roommate and i agreed that this week has felt too long and that we are glad that the weekend is here.

my older cousin is fluent in chinese (she's been learning for the past few years) and she told me and my other cousin (her brother) about a novel she read that apparently has a cult following in china and taiwan? apparently it's quite underground but she considers it one of the best stories she's ever read and that it's practically on the level of a really good published novel. the title translates to "the nightless city" (her translation), and the name is apparently taken from a movie that starred takeshi kaneshiro (an actor my cousin and i are fond of). it touches upon gay culture in taipei during the early 2000s and also it's apparently based off of the experiences of the author's friends at the time. actually that's another interesting thing about this novel (and also the author's other works): the author dropped off of the internet and no one knows anything about them. she sent me her translation of the first two chapters and honestly i was so hooked! the characters feel so real and the story feels really grounded in that it doesn't isolate its main characters from the rest of the world (they go to a gay bar, they're on gay forums, they have friends and lives outside of their relationship, etc.). i'm eagerly waiting for her translation of the rest of the novel because the story so far has already been so lovely that i can't wait to see how it progresses.

i have been drawing more lately! one of my non-major classes is fairly easy and so i take a small notebook i have and just doodle in that class while the professor lectures. i also doodle during lectures too when i don't feel like devoting too much energy to listening... haha. but i actually ended up doodling a friend's character during one of these lectures and i ended up digitizing the doodle. they loved it a lot! us and our other shared friend have started drawing each other's characters because of it, and i actually even ended up making a rough reference sheet of one of my characters. it is really nice to be able to have some friends that have original characters and just draw for each other! a while back i had a similar arrangement with two other friends, but because they were more established artists than i am i was actually really intimidated to share my ocs with them and it actually ruined my enjoyment for art some time. these days i've been feeling better about the progression of my art and i find myself thinking "wow, i really am improving!" and it makes me feel really good about myself. i think it's nice when you have friends who are closer in skill level to you and so you feel more comfortable sharing your art with them and drawing with them. today i woke up to a friend drawing mine and our other friend's characters together and i was so elated! i am thinking of making another ref sheet for another character i draw often.

addendum to the previous entry... my roommate's dad's birthday is actually next friday, a few days before hers. oops! at least i remembered it was on a friday HAHA.

07:30

i wonder if there's someone in the world that desires me. i got a quiz result that described me as hot and i thought it was funny. i can't see myself being desirable to anyone, it's not something i've ever seen the possibility of.

17:50

small things today... i saw a hummingbird clearly! it was a pretty green color and it never stayed still for more than a second. a cashier called me sir and that made me really happy. my roommate's mom's birthday is tomorrow, her dad's birthday is on friday, and her birthday is in more than a week.

14:44

19:50

happy september!

quite a few things happened so far. over the weekend d and i walked on a trail that surrounds the campus. it was actually a fairly short walk, but it was really hot at the time so we ended up sweating so much our backs were soaked. i feel like we've been growing closer in our friendship and i'm really glad for that. sometimes we will just come over to each other's rooms and just sit and talk for hours when we have the time. she talked to me for an hour about this show called the vampire diaries after lunch one day. i never saw that show but it seems like a lot happens in it from what she told me HAHA.

ummm something irritating happened today! i was complaining to two of my friends about how confusing a lecture in one of my classes was and how i just wanted to go home. one of these friends used to be in the same major as me and the other friend, but she switched majors because it was negatively affecting her so much. anyway in response to my complaining she just went "lol that's why i left". i was already irritated and exhausted because of my class but her words just irritated me even more, but i held back from saying anything because i knew i would have felt worse if i said something out of field because of my mood. it's annoying when people outwardly tell you that they're glad they're not in your situation. like how does that help at all? well i'm not as irritated anymore cause i talked about it with my cousin. it's always nice to have people in your life that can tell you "you aren't crazy for feeling this way because that's normal" when you're not confident enough to admit that to yourself.