10:15

placing my two latest physical diary entries here...

'bitter today. constantly being reminded of the things i don't have and wish i had. i wish i was more likeable. and less clingy.

bitter bitter bitter! if someone bit into me right now they would vomit because of how steeped in bitterness i am. i can't let the bitterness keep eating me though. i asked someone yesterday, "how do i stop being btter about things i'll never have?". a little later they replied with: "let go of what you know to allow what's for you to come to you". i am trying my best to reframe my mindset from "i will never find people who consider me high on their priorities" to "i don't have this now, but i hope i will find it later".' it is hard though.

just been so bitter lately. i feel like crying but i have class in a few hours so i can't cry. so tired of being bitter that i don't have an immediate community. what's it like to have a friend group that is so close-knit that they come to each other first before anyone else. i have friends but they all have their respective friend groups that they've known for years and are closer to. bitter bitter bitter!!! my soul is so ugly. trying so hard not to cry but i'm crying anyway. i'm scared that my bitterness will be too much for people and they're repulsed by how tar-like it is and they will leave. i feel like i could throw up and all that comes out is black. if we could cry in colors i'm sure i'd be crying black right now. my roommate left for break so there's no one to see me cry.

soak the bitterness in a cup full of hope and pray that it softens into acceptance.

whenever i getting angry at myself, i start feeling bad thinking of all the times people have been kind to me. it feels like in the moment i'm taking their love for granted and it makes me feel more horrible. it is one of the only things that helps me be kinder to myself.

19:49

today has been tiring! fulfilling but very tiring. in one of my graphic design classes we've been working on making a magazine. we were allowed to choose the topic we did our magazine on, so i did mine on video game developers. i wanted to get a bit experimental with it, and i'm happy with how it's been coming out. today our professor invited some past alumni to give us feedback on our magazines, and i got some really helpful and kind feedback from everyone. i also made a lot of small talk today. it was a good talking day. i tend to be better at talking when i'm running on 6 hours of sleep for some reason, maybe it's because i'm a teeny bit tired and so my filter comes off a little bit. i've had some nice talking days these past few days! it makes me feel less insecure about how i struggle to speak.

just a few more days until i can have a short break from classes...!

09:18

hello, long time no see! it's been a mix of being busy with classes and a lack of urge to write diary entries that i haven't been updating here... but november is here! for me it's one more month until i can see my cousins, yay!

i feel like i should add a 'listening to' section in my entry header. currently i'm listening to res' 'how i do' album. i'm really enjoying they-say vision and ice king so far! my favorite albums i've listened to recently are chicane's 'behind the sun' and junior varsity km's 'taking care of you: bliss out v.10'. it's hard for me to listen to new music because i feel like i have to actively block out time to listen to it so that i can devote my full attention to it. i think i've said this before... well it's okay.

last night i had a hard time going to sleep because i was worried about my dad. i texted him asking how he was doing and he responded immediately, so i felt like i could sleep easier. i still feel uneasy about the future, but no matter what happens i have to try and be there for him as best as i can.

a few days ago i went out to print some stuff for one of my graphic design classes and i ran into a mother and her daughter while waiting for the elevator. we were waiting for my floor to come up and the daughter suddenly asks "mommy, who's that?" and points to me. the mom laughs and explains "that's a student, honey" and the daughter excitedly goes "ohhh!!!!" and it was really cute. when i had to walk out to my floor the mom and i told each other to have a good day and then the daughter goes "bye bye student!", and it melted my heart to the point i almost threw up HAHA. i know i'm too selfish to take care of children full-time, but moments like this make me want to reconsider.

i've been feeling the urge to play video games again, but i just can't find the time... i'm thinking of devoting some time today to booting up a pokemon rom hack. i think i deserve to indulge some!