31.05.2023
18:35
sunday tired me out so i pretty much spent the entirety of yesterday recovering and resting. it's sooo hard to watch anything when i'm recovering cause i specifically have to put on something relaxing or something that doesn't require a lot of energy on my end. but anyway i put on a playthrough of kirby 64 and a nancy drew game. i've never known much about the nancy drew games but i thought it would be fun to dive into them. i started with the first game which was pretty okay. i'm sure a lot of the appeal of these games comes from the nostalgia of it all, but it was a fun little experience even if it was a little half-baked. some of the dialogue was really funny though LOL.
as for what i did today uhh.. i don't really remember honestly HAHA. i really only remember what happened from roughly an hour ago and everything else is just flashes of vague memory. i know part of it was definitely due to me being up until like 3 am for nooo good reason lmfao... and then i got out of bed at 8 am like whyyy did i do this to myself. i'm downloading sims 4 rn cause i was watching this guy's video on giving his sim an addiction to grilled cheese and then i went "oh yeah. some people put their ocs in the sims. i should do that" and that's where i'm about to be right now HAHA.
i wrote a little in a journal just cause i felt like it so i'll just paraphrase what i wrote here. i feel bad that i don't physically journal as much as i could honestly. i tried journaling for the first few months of this year and it was nice! i prefer digital journaling on my ipad just cause i don't get ink stains when i write. but i can only journal when i have the energy and the time, so i usually end up just typing instead since it's faster and takes less energy even when i'm doing it slowly. but i also feel bad cause i wish i could be one of those people that journals nearly everyday. my cousin was the one who suggested i try committing to journaling so it feels like i'm disappointing her if i don't make more attempts to commit to it. idk. i kind of like having this online diary though, so i'll try seeing how i feel about this and then try journalling again to get a better idea of how i feel.
29.05.2023
11:56
been occupied with fleshing out my ocs and universes... i have a 5 page doc dedicated to one of them open rn HAHAHA. i'm waiting to at least flesh out some of the characters and doing some more worldbuilding before i start making site pages for it... which will be a while. but i'm having fun!
later i have to go visit one of my aunts for dinner, which i'm not looking forward to honestly. i'm a little worried about how they'll react to my haircut. everyone who's seen it has said that it really suits me, which i agree with honestly. longer hair just makes me feel a little alien tbh. maybe if i styled it differently i'd feel better about it though? we'll see! i'm also not looking forward to them asking about my future plans and university and stuff like that. i'd hate if they asked me about getting with someone, ugh! lesbianism aside... i'm not really keen on being in a relationship with anyone. i just think of how much work you have to put in a relationship and i just think about how i'm already dealing with a lot right now that i couldn't possibly deal with that either. maybe when i'm in my 30s or something i'll consider trying to date again if i actually have an interest in it, but for now i'm just focusing on my degree and what kind of job i'll get afterwards. plus this family has a history of horrible relationships, so hmmm not helping the case lol!
16:05
i love designing outfits! i hate drawing them!
21:17
just got back from my aunt's place, i had fun helping everyone look after her kids! i sometimes forget just how much energy little kids have; we were only there for about hmm 3 hours? and now i'm soo exhausted haha. my aunt saw my haircut and all she said was "oh wow, you look... different" with a really tentative tone. i could tell she didn't really like it or maybe just needed to fully process it haha, but i didn't push cause it didn't really matter to me. luckily they only asked me questions about how my semester went, so today pretty much went well.
27.05.2023
22:27
been having an on and off headache since a few hours ago idk why... gahhhh
anyway i had an okay day today! my mom and i went to a viet food truck to get lunch today, it was good. the meat had a nice amount of spice, and they also added mango to balance the flavor. my mom also told me about a memory from her childhood while we ate. she talked about how she would visit her relatives in the countryside as a kid and that after staying for dinner once, she had to walk through a corn field at night and it was really scary to little her. she also said her grandma told her a story about how she'd once been abducted by a ghost?? i know people talk about being abducted by aliens but i've never really heard actual stories about being abducted by ghosts outside of folktales, hahaha.
26.05.2023
15:26
freaked out cause i was reminded of how ill-adjusted i am to life. i thought about how all of my friends have their own friend group they can go back to and how they are so loved by people because they're so charismatic. i try hard not to think about it because it makes me utterly miserable for my future, but sometimes i just can't help it seeing how everyone around me is so loved. ack! i don't know. i want to stop viewing the world as so hostile cause it's all i ever knew for a long while that it really hurts how i view all my relationships. i want to believe in everyone so much but it's so hard. i am loved by people, so many people have shown me that throughout this month. i hate being like this. i feel sorry that people have to deal with how volatile i am about this. i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore? i'm really sorry everyone. i wish i could see a therapist or something. it's a miracle i've even gotten this far honestly! i dunno. it's hard to focus on talking about myself deeply cause i get so tired of all these strong emotions running through me. i really do need a therapist i think. i'm so tired of not having someone who i know can handle all this pain that's built up for years on years.
16:04
okay i calmed down and i feel less crazy, lol. let me talk about something else that's been on my mind lately:
it's been hard for me to do art lately. i think i mentioned it in my first diary entry, but lately i just haven't felt like making a proper drawing. i have a lot of things i'd like to draw, but then when i think about the idea of drawing i get... idk. tired i guess? i think i'm going through yet another phase where i'm not confident in my art skills. i guess i should dump all my thoughts on this here? i have some artist friends who love art to the point they draw nearly everyday. i think that's amazing honestly! i think i'm envious that they can draw so often even if they're not confident in their art skills. i just... i'm not sure what it is. i'm trying to think of the best way to put it. i have a bad relationship with wanting to be seen and noticed by people but i also can go to the other extreme of not wanting to be perceived by anyone. it's rough to say the least! i wish i could work that out with a professional so i'd have a better understanding of why i function this way. tangentially related, it contributes to how people perceive me as mysterious. to be honest some parts of me don't mind being perceived as mysterious, sometimes it brings me a lot of joy idk. but then there are times where i just hate only being "mysterious". i want to be seen as something more. i think it's hard for me to be that way online cause it's such a different environment than offline that i feel like i actually put up more walls online than i do offline, lol. which is ironic considering how i've seen many people say it's easier for them to act themselves online, to some degree. idk this entry went through so many topics. i think i just needed to get that out.
19:28
there's something in the air today cause today just isn't a good one...
my mom made plans with her boyfriend to have dinner this evening and then go out for drinks with him afterward, but he forgot about it until she contacted him. she was telling me "oh he's probably just out of it because he's working the night shift at his new job which messed up his memory" but it's like... he clearly doesn't care about her. they've fought a few times over this exact issue of him not caring about her enough and she still makes excuses for him. last time it was because "he's been upset because he lost his job" he just doesn't care. end of story. he's a shitty guy and i wish we didn't have to deal with him! he insisted that he come tomorrow instead and it's like... whatever i guess. she did go on to talk about how she thinks men are just stupid but then it's like... why do you keep settling for men who treat you like this? first my dad and now this dude too... her entire side of the family keeps clinging onto shitty men and never men that actually treat them like they should! her mom and both of her sisters are literally suffering with the men they ended up with but they still deal with it just because they're men. ugh. it's really frustrating. i won't be all like "heterosexuals are so sad why do they set themselves up like this" cause that's just heteropessimism. but it's still so frustrating that i've been surrounded by awful men all my life and i've just been taught by the women in my life that it's just how it is; all men are innately evil so just pick your poison yada yada yada. i wish there were more lovely male figures in my life.
but today hasn't been all bad though. i watched link click with some online friends i'm not too close with and it was fun! i did have some thoughts where i was thinking "ah, it must be awkward because they're closer with a shared friend that they know better while most of them don't know me", but it was fun nonetheless. i hope they enjoyed my company just as i did theirs. oh i also finished trauma center 2 for the ds today! didn't do the extra missions cause they're so hard for no reason??? i was able to do x1 at least but good grief!
also my wrist has been hurting these past few days? it's not a constant pain or anything but just a dull ache that phases in and out every so often. i think it's cause i hold onto my phone too much cause i don't have much energy to be at the computer for hours at a time. i'll try not to do that these next few days LOL.
25.05.2023
09:42
yesterday was... something!
i don't talk about it much even with people who know, but i'm part of a dissociative system. specifically i'm the current host of the system. it's rare for me to experience full switches, but yesterday was one of the rare times that happened. immediately after i made that entry last evening i was pushed away from the front by one of my headmates. nothing bad came of it, this headmate just wrote some stuff in a physical journal i keep and also read... witch hat atelier? and seemed to enjoy it a lot, LOL. i did come back to the front right as the body was being put to bed and i pretty much just went to sleep with a slight headache.
18:32
i really don't like how internet culture has led people to form friendships based primarily on interests or like one single thing... if that makes sense? like i'll see people making posts like "follow me if you like this or that!" and i'm like... i don't think i will! like i have a relatively good gut feeling and if i don't click with your energy then i just won't follow and/or interact with you a lot sorry... when people follow me on social media based on a single post i made or for one single thing it admittedly bothers me a little. like... please make a more informed opinion of me by seeing more of what i have to say!!! i'm not just a single interest or a single post, i have so many opinions and so many interests and if you follow me for just one thing and decide you don't like the rest of me that's on you genuinely! i hope this doesn't come off as snobbish or anything sorry. just needed to get that out cause it's something that's bothered me for a while.
24.05.2023
19:21
woke up from a nap feeling really strange and confused.
23.05.2023
10:26
had one of those nights where my insomnia acted up and so i woke up at 5 am, couldn't go back to sleep until 7, then slept on and off until 10. soo tired! i think i'll take a break from coding and just focus on clearing my backlog today. i feel like watching haibane renmei.
12:55
watched one episode of haibane renmei... i'm already resonating with the quiet energy of it. the worldbuilding so far has been presented very very well, can't wait to see how the rest of the show unfolds!
also despite myself i updated my writing corner hahaha... gave it an actual layout albeit still one that's very low-effort, but it's something.
16:58
finished 9 out of the 13 episodes of haibane renmei, i'll definitely finish it in a few hours. omg. but episode 8... i actually cried HAHAHA. something about rakka's monologue at the end of ep 8 resonated with me and i couldn't help but tear up. didn't ugly cry but i was touched in a way.
21.05.2023
11:38
first entry! i got impatient trying to figure out what i wanted the diary for this website to look like so i just reused the layout from my old website in the meantime hahaha. if you recognize it... no you don't! that's also why it probably looks just a little wonky compared to my more recent layouts, sorry! i'll fix it when i get bothered enough by it
earlier this morning i saw a squirrel on a neighbor's roof and i was suddenly compelled to draw it! i haven't drawn in a few weeks, as shameful as it is to admit. i dunno, i suddenly had a complex over posting my art on social media and it's made me evaluate my thoughts on art and if i really want to post my art where i can see who engages with it. actually, that's part of why i wanted to come back to neocities: i think i'd feel better if i posted my art in a place where i wouldn't have to see who's liking it or reblogging/retweeting it, which is honestly why i rarely ever post my art online. but i digress, here's the doodles i made of the squirrel:
well yeah they sure are doodles!
i like making quick sketches of things so that i can focus on capturing the essence of subjects rather than trying to depict them accurately. the squirrel left right before i finished that last doodle at the bottom, but it stayed so still for the top left one that i ended up fixing it and it was still in that pose for some reason... i wonder what caught its attention?
as for what'll be happening the rest of today, i'm getting a haircut later this afternoon. i convinced my mom to let me get a pixie cut, which is something i've never tried before. i guess the main thing i'm worried about it that i'll look strange with way shorter hair, but i really want to hope it'll make me feel better about my appearance. i also have to deal with how loud the hair stylist is, ugh... i know vietnamese is an expressive language, but i just hate when people are practically yelling in my ear for over half an hour straight. and also getting a haircut is boring when the hair stylist barely talks to you cause you don't speak viet; i literally just sit there thinking about how i could be doing something better U_U
12:12
mom is getting bánh mì for lunch!
17:19
got my hair cut! couldn't stop smiling when i looked in the mirror
