19:40

sleepy... i've been really sleepy for the past few days. i keep waking up around 5 am for some reason, maybe it's because that's when d wakes up so my body has just become hardwired to wake up around that time.

it is hard to go about my life when there are so many atrocities happening around the world at this moment. my cousin and i talked about this the other day—how it is so hard to be in a position where we're unable to take more action because we risk our loved ones being put at risk, and how it can be so paralyzing to see all the horrible developments in real time and how it can all feel hopeless. the least we can do is keep believing and keep learning; keep believing in the absolute certainty that things will get better and to keep learning about how and why we got to this point and what we can do to change things.

19:20

helloooo... i feel like writing another entry today.

this week has been a little strange. two of my classes were cancelled throughout the week and it's thrown me off a little. i've had some more free time this week that i've been taking advantage of, especially because we're just now starting new projects in my graphic design classes and i know things will get hectic toward the end of these projects.

it is hard to talk to people that... i guess impose their values onto me. those kinds of people tend to be the ones who try really hard to seem mature when they're really still very inexperienced and/or close-minded. i know they mean well and earnestly want to do good for others, but they will have a lot of rude awakenings in the future where they'll have to confront those qualities. or maybe they'll never confront them at all. it's not for me to say. that's not to mean i think i'm mature or anything; i tend to be up in the clouds a lot and i'm too quick to see things in extremes. sometimes i'll say things harsher than i mean them to be and my way of speaking comes off as weird. i'm sure i have more qualities that even my loved ones have to tolerate. it's hard to accept that i have qualities that will remain aspects of me that aren't as pleasant for people to deal with. but i guess that's why the people who love me stay, because they can tolerate them.

i've been tired a lot this week. i find that i'm more talkative if i get around 6 hours of sleep, which is a little funny to me. i feel really nice when i have good interactions with people; it makes me feel like i can function in society, even if it's inevitable that i'll also have awkward or bad interactions.

recently one of my friends told me that i'm smart in a lot of things outside of our major, which made me really embarrassed the way she put it hahaha. i don't really consider myself a smart person, i just like having basic knowledge of a lot of things. i think it's nice to know lots of things to tell people about them.

lately i've been coming to terms with the fact that i can be possessive. i think it's been easier to dampen that possessiveness because i hear so many of my friends talk about their other friend groups or other people outside of their life that i'm more used to it now and can deal with it better. there are times where i wish some friends would approach me more, but it is easier to tell myself that they're busy or they have friends that they're closer to, which i feel good about. i'm certain a lot of that came from being sheltered and never having a huge social circle growing up, so i feel good that i'm slowly breaking out of my sheltered habits.

hmmmm i wrote a lot today. oh i remembered something i wanted to write about but forgot it while i was writing. my dad came to visit this weekend, he asked me a lot of questions related to college, nothing out of the ordinary. over dinner he asked me how my roommate was doing and asked some questions about her. he told me, "sometimes i worry that you let other people take advantage of you". he sometimes says things that are very thoughtful which takes me by surprise, because it was a correct assumption. it was actually something i talked to my cousin about fairly recently, how my nature makes it easy for people to rely on me a lot and how it's hard for me to establish boundaries with my friends. i am trying... to muster up the courage to set small boundaries...!!! it is hard though, but i will get more comfortable the more i do it.

12:50

hello... long time no see! i have been busy on and off, but really i haven't found the desire to make updates here.

my birthday passed smoothly. i was happy that it was so mundane. i did homework and ate cake, it was soothing.

i have been working on my ocs a lot lately! i've been doing a lot of research to flesh them out further and i started making new designs for some old ocs that i've been wanting to integrate into my current worlds.

earlier i listened to this remix of kelela's contact and it was beautiful. my chest fluttered and my mind went blank and i whispered to myself "holy shit" because it touched me on such an intimate level. i'm a huge fan of songs that make me feel like i'm floating and reach deep inside of me. i need to listen to more music, but it's hard to make time for it. i feel like i have to make time to listen to new music because i feel like i won't be able to appreciate the music otherwise.

i don't feel like writing much today.

08:18

busy busy! the past few days have been filled with lots of work... i was running on an hour of sleep yesterday because i worked throughout the night to finish a project. i was able to get more sleep last night, but i'm still so tired. more vaguely sleepless nights to come later though.

yesterday my cousins and i were able to secure plane tickets for me to visit them over the winter! we always have to do it ahead of time because for some weird reason nearly all the flights get taken and so we have to plan really early in advance. a part of me feels slightly bad, i guess, because i feel like i'm always failing my immediate family somehow by not being with them for winter break. but i dunno. i know that if i stay i'll find myself awkwardly relegated to the couch during family gatherings and then people will only come up to me to ask about college. i'm so tired! i'd rather find myself where i'm actually happy and cared for.

anyway i've wrote long enough. need to start on some work due tomorrow. busy busy...!

14:54

told my cousins that they are the closest thing to home for me and we all cried. oldest cousin said their mom talks to one of their aunts in vietnam about me and that she is always saying: "you can’t trick fate; even though they didn't meet as kids, now they're inseparable when they're grown up. they were meant to meet each other.” like what if i cried. what if i cried! ahh! maybe i can believe that i will find myself happy in the unforeseeable future.

19:59

i'm writing an entry here everyday eek!!! today was an unlucky day, it could have been better. i hope tomorrow is kind to me.

16:03

it has been raining a lot lately. i got soaked twice today. my umbrella isn't working and i don't have a jacket with a hood so i will just have to get soaked even more if i need to go out when the rain is out.

i am feeling emotionally wiped out today. i felt better when i talked to my classmates today but then i became miserable again and had to calm myself down by folding my laundry and clipping my nails. i put on the flower sun and rain soundtrack because the music is very calming to me. the game takes place on an island so i feel really calm when i listen to the music. i have been angry and sad for myself today. i am sad that even the day that should be happiest for me has been ruined and i won't be able to enjoy my birthday properly because it has been tainted with so much grief and sadness and anger. i thought about how much better i have been doing ever since i left for college and i panicked thinking about how miserable i will be when i go back home. i am worried i won't be able to see my cousins this upcoming winter. i am always happiest when i am with them. i am worried my family will try to take that away from me this year. i am starting to hate saying the word "family".

13:21

ummm october is here! i am trying not to freak out while confronting this.

i guess from my last entries it must seem like i've been having a hard time, but the truth is for the most part i'm not. i've been feeling very okay these days, but those are just snapshots of when my brain goes awry... ack! i've been getting closer to one of my classmates lately. she's autistic like i am and she's one of the only people in my class that knows about my gender identity. we don't get to talk very much outside of class because she's very busy, but i treasure our conversations a lot. i hope i can get to know her better by the end of this semester because we click really well.