19:16

helloooo and good evening! i don't feel like writing a cohesive entry so i'll just write snippets of what's been happening in my life.

we visted aunt t on sunday and talked to her for an hour. yesterday my mom and i went to her place again to take care of her cat and i also ended up watering all her plants. i don't know why people need so many plants for if it's not to grow herbs or food? i think i watered at least 20 plants in a row. my mom told me that aunt t is getting transferred to a place where she can get a liver transplant.

today i finally put all my projects in my portfolio! i asked a friend in the same major to look over it for me, but i'm a little irritated because it's been hours and he hasn't followed up with me. obviously i didn't expect him to have anything to say right then and there but he's been active here and there in the server we share with another friend so i would at least appreciate if he'd told me that he's not able to look at it until later for whatever reason. i'm worried i'm being pushy though. even though the portfolio isn't due until the beginning of august, i wanted to finish it early so i wouldn't spend the entire summer worrying about it. but last summer he asked me to look over his portfolio and i immediately talked with him about what he needs to fix before he turned it in. maybe i'm getting worked up for no reason though. i do have the rest of the summer ahead of me.

13:38

yesterday my mom and i went over to aunt t's place to feed her cat and clean her litterbox. we'll have to find someone to house the cat because aunt t isn't in any position to take care of her right now. aunt t is conscious now and we facetimed her when we were at her place so we could show her the cat. we're going to visit her again later today.

18:25

21:33

recently i've been watching a playthrough of the game trauma team. only earlier i came to the realization that i think i picked it up because of everything that's been happening. naomi kimishima is one of my favorite characters in gaming ever. i think she is so cool and awesome and when she feels anguished my heart hurts for her.

20:24

goooood evening. i feel really sleepy today.

aunt t asked us to go to her place and change her cat's litterbox earlier, but just now as we were about to head over there my bà ngoại texted my mom to tell us that her ex already took care of it. it was kind of annoying but whatever. oh also, aunt t told us she doesn't want anyone visiting her because she doesn't want more people to see her as she is right now. i'm sad that i can't see her, but if i was in her place i would probably say the same thing.

as for what i've been up to... i've been working on my portfolio again. i actually managed to publish two projects today! so now i'm more than halfway through finishing my portfolio. once i'm done putting all my projects in, i'm going to send my profile to my friends so they can check and see if i need to fix anything. ...that will be a while though, hopefully either at the end of june or in the beginning of july. then i don't have to worry about my portfolio for the rest of the summer! i dunno if i'll start working on putting up another project today though cause i'm all sleepy and all. we'll see though.

11:43

sometimes it sucks to be averse to posting my work on social media or simply sharing it with other people online because i see my friends who do art and they're creating such beautiful things and interacting with a lot of cool people and i look at myself and wonder why i can't be like everyone else. hm typing that out makes me realize just how susceptible i am to comparing myself to others; it's a little scary. but over time i've been coming to terms with the fact that it's just how i am. sometimes my habits and beliefs can align with others but most of the time they don't and that's fine.

yesterday my mom walked in on me watching juon (2000) and said "you'd better not be watching another creepy movie" (she walked in on me watching ura horror, funnily enough during the section dealing with the bridge) and i told her yes mom, it's a creepy horror movie. then she made a remark about how she couldn't understand why i like horror movies so much and asked if i ever found it hard to sleep after watching one. it made me wonder what draws people to horror. i've heard that traumatized people tend to turn to horror as a way to cope with how what they experienced was out of their control. maybe that's true for me i dunno? i don't know if i want to think about that too much right now but i think there's some truth to that theory. i think one day i'll take a look at the horror media i enjoyed the most and try and analyze what really drew me in.

17:12

mom just told me that my bà ngoại took aunt t to the hospital today and that she'll be hospitalized for a few days. depending on how long she's there for we might not be able to visit her because my mom works on the weekdays. i've been thinking about her so often lately so i'm relieved that she's getting treated. i just hope she'll get better.

11:41

feeling really off today. i wanted to keep working on my portfolio but i don't think that's happening today. i'm actually close to half-way done with it, but i'm dreading having to fix my work so i can make it ready to post. i still have half of june left to get some good progress on it, and the deadline is literally august 1st, so i have plenty of time. but i want to finish it early because i knew i'd have a hard time trying to motivate myself to do it. maybe i'll get something done later today? i'm trying to be kind to myself.

recently i learned about avoidant attachment and it actually helped me learn a lot more about myself. it's really hard for me to get close to people because my brain tends to work in extremes. i get clingy because i'm so used to not having anyone be there for me, but then when they do something to hurt me (most of the time it's accidental) i get really distant from them. it's something i still struggle with, even more so now that i'm back with my mom for the summer. i'm just really ill-adapted to everything. i really can't live like this. i genuinely need professional help or something but i don't know what i can do right now. i just feel really helpless to myself and my circumstances.

is it weird that i've never had a job? i just feel odd seeing my peers talk about their jobs and how self-reliant they are and then i look at myself and wonder why i'm like this. but some of my irls don't have jobs too, or they had a job once but then they went to college and quit work. i don't look down at them for it; college is hard and everyone's going through a hard time... most people are, at least. whenever i think of getting a job during college i immediately think "but this would genuinely kill me, i think". i just can't live like that. i don't know how people who work and go to class do it. i feel really small right now. i've been crying often lately. i don't know why i keep existing. is it weird that i'm writing here so often?

20:49

actually got the courage to talk a bit about my mental health and insecurities on twitter (private account of course, my only account actually) a little bit after i wrote that entry... then i couldn't bring myself to open twitter again until just now hahaha. avoidant behavior yada yada. i was expecting some people to tell me i was just being dramatic or just ignore my thread entirely but one of my mutuals actually left a reply saying that what i said really resonated with their own experiences and wished me well and hoped that i could find myself in a better environment that allows me to get help for myself. it made me feel really seen and i wished them well back. i feel more at peace now after seeing their words. i'm reminded of what i saw someone say once... that our general experiences aren't unique to us and that there are people out there who, even if they haven't experienced the exact same situation we did, that felt similar to us and responded to it similarly. i just want to send so much love to the people who are experiencing a similar situation that i am. even when i say awful things about myself, i have to wonder if i would say those things to someone else. it is so hard to love myself right now. but i hope i can love myself properly one day.

22:44

today was my mom's birthday, but i feel really sad and empty because of a conversation my mom, her sister (one of my aunts), and my bà ngoại had before we left for home.

23:37

wrote a little in my journal today.
"sometimes i think we really are responsible for our circumstances...we lock ourselves in and hold the key and wonder why we're trapped. i should learn to be more assertive. but it's hard; life is hard and humiliating. but it is just as, if not even more humiliating to finally take action and realize that if i had known more, if i'd taken action then, i would have made things easier for myself".

10:08

honestly after i finally allowed myself to cry for longer than a minute yesterday it felt like i gained a sense of clarity about my life. i'm realizing i've always lived my life in a constant state of uncertainty because i'm so used to things just... happening left and right, and it really ruins my stability and confidence in life. i never know when i'll lose something and i always wait a long time to feel certain that it's safe to do something. this morning i woke up at around 6 something and i tried to go back to sleep, but i kept thinking about the things i'll have to deal with in the future and got too stressed to go back to sleep. at the end of it i finally thought "all of this sucks. but i'm sure i can deal with it. i'll make it out somehow". cause i mean. what can i do. all i can do is deal with it. so much of my life might be out of my control right now, but at least i can control how i react and deal with it.

oh uh and in other news, i deleted one of my tumblr accounts and deactivated my twitter. the tumblr account i was using was when i felt like posting some of my art in public, but yesterday i finally came face to face with the fact that i really don't like posting art or anything in general where i can see who engages with it and how many engagements i get. tangentially, i also hate being able to see how many views my website is getting but it's tolerable compared to being aware 24/7 of what kind of engagements my posts are getting. i actually deactivated twitter when i was still really anguished, but honestly it was a good move because every time i do it i feel a little freer, hahaha. i was considering reactivating it today but i figured ehhh push it to the end of the week. no one's going to ask where i am anyway so it doesn't matter too much.

i'm also quickly putting together another website for my portfolio just cause i talked about website building in a brief essay i had to write for it and i figured well if i'm talking about it i should at least show an example. but yeah that's what's been happening. i feel like since i post near daily i'm definitely coming off as jobless and unemployed HAHA. but it's whatever. i might still be taking up that summer job anyway.

10:26

it's hard to confide in people who haven't experienced harm from both parents/sole caretaker, especially if the harm was done by a woman. you talk about the harm you go through almost daily and they can't fathom how a woman could be so cruel or why you're constantly miserable or why you can't seek outside help. it's hard because they just don't understand no matter how well you explain it to them. they tell you to just stand up for yourself (i've tried. many times) or to tell another family member (they enable my mom's harm and also participate in harming me to an extent). it's why i find it hard to talk about the harm i face with my friends, not only because they don't understand but also because it's deeply humiliating to talk about.

11:58

i'm writing this from my phone at the driver license place but jesus christ i am never confiding in this one friend about my problems ever again! i told him about how my mom's forcing me to get a driver's license right now despite the fact that i literally had plans to get it after i graduate university and all he said was "well, it had to happen sooner or later" and then i told him about how my anxiety is so horrible when it comes to driving and he just gave me unsolicited advice. he's always like that every time i talk to him about my problems even though i never even explicitly ask for his advice and just need someone to talk to. it pissed me off but i don't really know how to tell him that i don't want advice when i don't ask for it and that i wish he would actually listen to me and not disregard my feelings. i'll wait to bring it up if he ever gives me unsolicited advice again because i'm so irritated.

14:02

got home and laid in bed and cried for 20 minutes hahaha. maybe no one takes me seriously because i'm the only one making a big deal out of everything. maybe nothing's wrong and i don't need to go to therapy after all. whatever though.

mom asked me if i wanted a summer job (before my cry session). i thought about taking up a job but i'm worried that i won't have the energy to maintain one, if my crashes during uni were anything to go by. she said her white boyfriend (ugh) told her that his workplace is hiring but the hours are a bit strange and not really clicking with me. but she said the job is really easy (i hope) from what he's told her, so i guess if it means i don't have to be around her as much i might take it. i didn't get to ask as many questions as i wanted because i was about to cry on the spot (unrelated) but i'll ask her for more information when i'm not one second away from crying. also i'm probably annoying everyone with my presence anyway so it's probably a blessing in disguise!

10:59

feeling a little dizzy and out of it today that it's a bit difficult to stay upright without having my vision blur in and out

12:33

accidentally said something hurtful to a friend that i didn't realize was hurtful to them, but they trusted me enough to bring it up to me right then and we had a good conversation. we ended it by talking a bit about why some people are so unwilling to accept that they did something hurtful. i thought of my family when i was talking to my friend about that. some people are used to being antagonized and so they're always perceiving things as threats and always have their teeth out. my mom is like that. i'll say something innocuous and then she'll respond by saying something that's meant to imply she's smarter and more knowledgeable than me. she is smart though. after she and my dad divorced she had to learn to do a lot of things on her own, and i'd say she had to learn a lot during the divorce process too. sometimes i wish there were people in her life who could let her know that the world isn't always out to get her and that she doesn't have to be on guard all the time. she wouldn't take it from me though.

20:48

lmfao. my mom is forcing me to go to dps tomorrow and i'm just like. okay. whatever i guess. i think she's sick of me refusing to get my license even though the idea of driving is a huge source of anxiety for me to the point i've cried and dissociated over it. the more i think about it i keep cycling between "okay i guess this is happening... or whatever" and "god. fuck. do i have to worry about this along with my portfolio" and i can't seem to decide which one i want to go with hahaha. i'll see how it goes tomorrow i guess.

this reminded me of the time one of my irls went "that's it lieu i'm teaching you how to drive" and i was hoping she'd forget about it but she didn't and so i really did just end up dissociating throughout the process hahaha. i vividly remember her explaining to me how to work the stick and the steering wheel but it was like i was sitting inside a shell shaped like me the entire time she was teaching me. i didn't tell her that because she's very sensitive when she perceives she did something wrong so i just stayed in autopilot haha. i dunno. i feel weird cause i was planning to pursue my license after i graduate but well mom's word ya know. it was the same with university too; i wanted to take a gap year because my entire high school experience was really traumatic and i desperately needed a break from education for a while, but my mom forced me to sign up for a public university even though my aunts advised me to go to community college first instead. damn. a lot of my life really isn't mine. i don't know what kind of clothes suit me, i don't know what kind of room decor i like, i don't know what places i like to go to. isn't that sad.

22:08

10:38

anyway, i had a really horrible sleep last night. went to bed sometime after 11, woke up at 3 am, woke up at 5 am because of an unsettling dream and couldn't go back to sleep until 7, then woke up at 8 and 9. what a sleep schedule! if i had one of those written sleep trackers bullet journalers had it would look crazyyyyy. i'm also having aches again as i always do after i sleep real bad. i remember at one point i was thinking to myself about how my mom was dragging me out today and that i had to get some more sleep to deal with her. i don't really know how much she knows about my sleep problems. she used to blame them on my phone and even took my phone away once because she got so fed up with me, but the truth is i've had sleep problems even before i could keep my phone in my room. she blames a lot of things on me even when she doesn't outwardly say it. i don't tell her anything about my issues because i know no matter what she'll somehow manage to make it solely my fault. i dunno. i might bring it up to my doctor when i visit, but my mom will be in the room too. she'll probably blame it on me. i dunno. i feel like i won't ever get the chance to get the help i need. all my friends are seeing therapists and they talk about how much therapy's helping them and i just wonder when it'll be my turn. will it ever be my turn? i think i'm destined to suffer forever. why am i always the one who's there to comfort my friends when they're going through hard times and yet when i open up there's either no one there or they don't make me feel seen. maybe i'm not meant to be truly happy. maybe i'll always be chasing temporary happiness so that i can forget about how miserable i am. but also maybe i just need to SLEEP!!!

11:12

i won't lie after i had a few minutes to sober myself up and reread that last entry i kinda laughed cause i'm being ridiculous. no matter how miserable i am right now, i still have some hope that somehow things will get better. i'm not sure how or when they'll get better but they will get better. i want to be kind to myself and believe in that possibility no matter how much i don't believe it in the moment. i'm sure things will get better. i hope they will.

11:52

it is so hard for my friends to contact me if they don't use the base phone message app or discord (sorry) oops... many people seem to use instagram but i hate that app so much that i barely go on it, so i feel bad when people try to message me on instagram and they don't get a response until a day or two later. but what am i supposed to do though, using that app makes me feel utterly miserable even though i only use it for a few minutes. i've used whatsapp before for friends which i would gladly substitute the base phone app for, but because those friends stopped using whatsapp i don't have anyone to use it for so... i'm always open to finding new social media to use though. my cousin and i tried mastodon but well.. no one we know uses it so we stopped using it hahaha. the only socials i really use are tumblr and discord, and i guess youtube counts though sometimes i forget to count it since i don't primarily use it with uploading stuff in mind.

i'd like to continue working on my website again, but i've been putting my portfolio off so i wanted to work on it now rather than wait until july and scramble trying to put it all together by august. this entry feels a little scattered cause i'm feeling a little scattered today, so i'm not too sure what to do with myself. i'll just continue working on my portfolio.

18:50

i dunno. something upsetting happened today but i feel ashamed to talk about it in the open so i'll just put it under a collapsable

anyway yeah. it was a normal day at first but then that thing just ruined my day. i'm embarrassed to talk about it with anyone

22:04

been crying on and off since i got out of the shower. wrote a little in a journal. "it is easier to believe in the happiness of others than my own. it is hard to believe that i am worthy of safety and happiness". "the happiness i wish for doesn't align with the happiness of others". it's getting harder and harder to believe in a future where i'm surrounded by people who wholeheartedly see me as a person and take all of me, flaws included. it's hard to see a future where i'm not constantly deeply miserable.

feeling the urge to delete all my socials and cut off everyone online and just start over

12:04

suddenly filled with negative energy today and not sure what to do about it. i finally started working on my portfolio yesterday... or well i gave it a second go and made more progress than i did on my first try. my major requires me to create one by the end of the summer so they can evaluate me and my cohort as well as check my progress and give me feedback. i'll keep working on it today cause i really don't want to sit around idly with this negative energy.

23:00

had a thought on representation in media today... it really shouldn't be the end all be all when it comes to advocating for marginalized communities. i won't say that it doesn't do anything because look at how caricatures and stereotypes affect how unaffected people perceive these groups lmao. being represented with care on the big screen and on paper does do some wonders for that perception, but as for how our livelihoods are affected positively, it's only a minimal positive effect. like for example, is a movie that depicts people of color positively going to greatly improve our livelihoods? not really! what we really truly need is for people to actively put the work into making our environments safer so that we won't be afraid of dying the next day. literally joining activist groups and educating people is going to do more for marginalized communities than a character that's supposed to represent an entire group of people will.

but obviously i'm not saying that being represented in media is worthless or whatever. the reason that we're even seeing more proper representation for these groups is because more people belonging to these groups are gradually being given opportunities to create at the forefront, although it doesn't escape me that unaffected groups still don't approach these works with care and continue to perpetuate harm to affected groups (see most recently: how people are treating some of the characters from the new spiderverse movie). but i just wanted to talk about that cause it's something i think about sometimes when i see people only place emphasis on how important representation is and not the conditions that allowed that representation to exist in the first place.

20:55

when i was first thinking of what i was going to write for this first entry for june, i had a lot more cheerful things to say. but recently i was hit by some bad news which would take way too long for me to unpack properly in a single diary entry, so i'll just unload some of my scattered thoughts under a collapsible

i wrote a lot under that collapsible oops... let me talk about the stuff that happened before all that happened

yesterday my mom and i did a lot. we went to a chinese restaurant for lunch that's known for their peking duck. my dad and i tried the duck there and honestly it was pretty good! i've only had duck a few times in my life but i love the texture of it honestly. my mom and i didn't get it though since she doesn't like duck, but we ordered some other dishes that were good. afterward my mom took me to this boba tea place that's apparently very popular, or something. apparently food bloggers have been raving over it and so she wanted to see what the hype was all about. the line was so long that it went out to the road, hahaha. after more than an hour we got our milk tea, and it was really rich! i've never had milk tea that tasted so rich before. i wouldn't go again though, i don't think waiting an hour for that is worth it. afterwards we went to a supermarket to grab some ramen. my mom loves the shin ramen brand but shockingly they didn't have it at this supermarket! luckily my ông bà ngoại had some in their pantry when we went over today and my mom was happy to swipe it from them LMAO.

speaking of today, it was so busy! my ông bà ngoại were holding a giỗ for one of their deceased family members. for people who don't know what a giỗ is, it's essentially a annual day where people remember a deceased love one and have a quick prayer for them. it's treated as a festive gathering and so relatives are invited to gather and hang out. that's at least what my family does. there's much more to this than i'm describing, but you can look it up under "đám giỗ", though there's not a lot of information about it in english as far as i'm aware.

but i digress. today one of my immediate cousins came over and we hung out and talked. she's attending the same college as me, so i'm preparing to help her out this upcoming semester. but we had a lot of fun today! after she and my other relatives left, i spent some time helping my family take care of my aunt's kids. taking care of three toddlers at a time is so exhausting, hahaha.

but yeah, that's all i wanted to talk about for now. i'm slowly working on my ocs and various universes they inhabit... but i'm saving all that information for when the actual pages are published!