21.03.2024
10:15
currently listening to: fallen - evanescence
hello... tired but alright. i finished up a project on tuesday that i needed to stay up late for. always staying up late for project deadlines. i'm still recovering from that and spring break honestly. i've been too mentally tired to write entries and even go on social media honestly.
ugh, it looks like all my image links for the website are broken! i'll fix them after i finish some homework.
about spring break... i am getting paid for my hours actually! i asked my supervisor about it and she said i could just work in all my hours into monday through wednesday, since we wouldn't be working thursday and friday. i ended up working the maximum 20 hours that week so that i could get paid as much as i could. if i'm being honest i wasn't as productive as i could be. i could never work from home, haha.
listening to evanescence right now... i was playing bring me to life a lot yesterday and today so i figured it was only right to listen to their first commercial album. it's a very consistent album, usually i get bored with consistency but amy lee's vocals are so beautiful that i'm actually okay with it. the songs themselves aren't all that bad either. it feels really sincere honestly, i nearly cried at 'imaginary' but 'hello' honestly destroyed me. made me think of when the baby died and it really captured that feeling of not being able to fully come to terms with the loss because you're so young that i couldn't help but cry. not sure whether i want to add this album to my mp3 player.
received a lot of my packages over spring break and i also ordered some mega man stickers during spring break because i found out they were having a temporary pop up store. they had star force merchandise!!! it's so rare to come by so i snatched it up without thinking. pics of my orders i've gotten so far:
07.03.2024
22:36
last listened to: atlantis (marky & s.p.y. rework) - ltj bukem
hello... i'm doing somewhat better than i was when i wrote my last entry. tired.
today n told me that i seem like i'm someone that has an older sister. my tongue was loose so i ended up saying "i used to", and it took them a bit before they looked at me in horror and i just sat there like... ah. she kept apologizing to me over and over and i had to keep reassuring that it was alright. even now i'm still not over it. don't think i'll ever be. it still hurts deeply to talk about. wonder what all my classmates thought if they heard or were paying attention.
won't be getting paid for my hours over spring break. supervisor said i'd have to make those hours up afterwards. it's whatever. i'm bummed by it but it is what it is i suppose. i have a lot of work to do over spring break. one of my professors told us that he doesn't believe in spring break. okay.
maybe i'm not doing much better. apprehensive about going back. so many things are tiring me out, recurring worries and a tarnished self-image. wish i could just pause everything and let myself recover, but the world wants to keep me battered and shredded up. trying hard to stay afloat but it's hard. only thing i'm looking forward to currently is opening the packages i had sent to my mom. is someone out there?
01.03.2024
19:58
last listened to: solosail - john zeroness
hello.. entering march with a lot of tentative thoughts.
lots of things that have been swirling around in my head. n and i were talking about romantic love and crushes, and at one point i laughed and said "i don't think anyone would have a crush on me" and they replied with "someone would have a crush on you". i've been thinking about it since. i've talked about it before but everything about me is too ugly to be loved in that way. i dunno. maybe that can be chalked up to having a volatile self-confidence but as i am now there's no way anyone would like me in that way. aha! that leads me to other thoughts i've been having lately. i'm realizing that being looked up to is equal parts flattering but equal parts disgusting to me. the idea of being idolized makes my skin crawl honestly, because it feels like you're being put on a pedestal and then you feel a lot of pressure to always be perfect. that probably ties into why i don't like posting my art anywhere or don't like submitting my work into contests. just makes you feel like you have to keep putting 100% into everything. vomit. don't expect anything from me. there's nothing worth finding in me.
sometimes i don't know how much of my view of myself is distorted. i've been told several times that i should have more confidence in myself but then i just want to throw up. i don't know how much people like me and sometimes i don't know if i want to find out or if i just want to keep having these swinging beliefs that they either love me or hate me. so tired of looking into myself. trapped in this cage and i don't know how much of it was built by me. i want to throw myself out of this window and feel weightless and normal. not sure if i should feel happy that they thought of me but it makes me want to throw up. biting my thumb off again.
not sure if i want to keep believing that my life has any meaning other than to stay in the background and keep helping others. i sometimes think it's all i'm good for. i wonder how much people want to kill me when i get too comfortable in my own skin. should i keep holding out my faith even though it will keep hurting and molding?
in the end i am too selfish of a person to live. i look at everyone around me and i think of how there are so many people who love them. who loves me? in the end it always comes back to me. i wonder if i'm only running away from what i deserve. i try to believe in buddha but faith only makes me miserable. i wonder what it takes to believe. in the end i have to take responsibility anyway. because no one will do it for me.